jambo shy petals
I often hear people talking about how human beings are very prone to remembering the bad things and not remembering the things that went smoothly etc. This can relate to many aspects of life, not least social situations I am sure many will agree.
There is not a significant amount of point to this post, but last week there was a wasp sitting on one of the oven knobs, and as I reached down to turn on a topside hob, I almost grabbed this pesky wasp who decided to fly off at the last few milliseconds – a near sting incident.
And since that incident, I have been very careful to look out for any wasps or other nasty insects hiding on the oven knobs. Now I must have turned on a hob without any hitch whatsoever literally thousands of times on that oven, yet the only one of those thousands of times I actually remember is the one which wasn’t a pleasant experience.
This is my first hand proof for me that the first statement of this post is true – and shows that just one negative experience can undo a very large amount of positive experiences.
So applying this to social situations makes me think about the amount of work that needs to be done for me to start to feel comfortable in said situations, something I wonder if I’ll ever be able to achieve. And if this is ever achieved, it doesn’t seem unlikely at all that a mountain of good work could be undone in an instant.
There is not a significant amount of point to this post, but last week there was a wasp sitting on one of the oven knobs, and as I reached down to turn on a topside hob, I almost grabbed this pesky wasp who decided to fly off at the last few milliseconds – a near sting incident.
And since that incident, I have been very careful to look out for any wasps or other nasty insects hiding on the oven knobs. Now I must have turned on a hob without any hitch whatsoever literally thousands of times on that oven, yet the only one of those thousands of times I actually remember is the one which wasn’t a pleasant experience.
This is my first hand proof for me that the first statement of this post is true – and shows that just one negative experience can undo a very large amount of positive experiences.
So applying this to social situations makes me think about the amount of work that needs to be done for me to start to feel comfortable in said situations, something I wonder if I’ll ever be able to achieve. And if this is ever achieved, it doesn’t seem unlikely at all that a mountain of good work could be undone in an instant.
8 Comments:
i've heard it said that every bad comment/thought you hear/have takes about five positive comments/thoughts to erase. if that's even partly true, i think it's related to what you've said. i sure believe it :-/
By
kim, at 8/05/2004 9:52 AM
My opinion is that this is why, when looking for a strategy for improvement, it's necessary to change state of mind so that the "negative" outcomes of dealing with people (or women, or hamsters, etc.) aren't that negative at all. As an adult, there isn't anything negative that people will commonly do to you that isn't caused by a state of mind. (Okay, if you don't want me preaching on your thread, I'll go away now:) )
By
William P, at 8/05/2004 10:41 AM
The negative outcomes aren't negative? Taking that to an extreme (as I'm incling to do ;-)) I would fear becoming disaffected from social responses. Of course altering the perception of negative responses to realistic expectation from social interactions is a goal, but I still perceive eliciting positive responses as being important.
I would also like to hear about the hamsters.
By
mongoose, at 8/05/2004 10:35 PM
About the hamsters, I don't think there's enough space in this thread to squeeze in an anecdote.
By
William P, at 8/06/2004 1:28 AM
And does your "extreme" make any sense? Do I need to burn my hand on the stove a few times to enjoy cooked food? If something only leads to positive experiences, and the rest is either neutral or trivial, it's easier to do more of it. What can people do to you that is so negative? Ignore you? Call you a name? Act superior? Feel sorry for you?
It's obviously no coincidence that shy people are people who set themselves up to be most vulnerable when social things don't go exactly right. Some of this is probably temperment, but much is absolutely learned and changeable. People can learn to be less negatively affected by reactions from others. (In fact most people here have done so to varying degrees.) And this doesn't mean that they can't get positive things from people anymore, that's just weird logic.
My issues with people are now a little more messed up. I have very little shyness left, but I just don't like being social very much.
By
William P, at 8/06/2004 1:36 AM
Taking the food analogy, you need to measure peoples reactions to your cooking. If the responses aren't good, try a different recipe, get some cooking advice. Ignoring peoples reactions, and continuing to cook the same way, won't be the best way to get people to dine at your table again. I now see that you weren't saying to ignore people reactions, but to decrease how they affect you, in which case I agree. But to what degree to decrease the sensitivity to people's responses, I don't know.
Judging a negative reaction is not reason to retreat to never cook again. You need to face the negative reactions which will come initially, and use the positive reactions in a feedback cycle to improve your cooking or social behaviour.
Negative responses can be both subtle and not so subtle. People can spit out your food, or from their comments on your meal which may not be so complementary. People can call you names, or they might be just less likely to engage with you socially. I don't know whether I myself pay too much attention to these subtle cues, and actually misread them.
By
mongoose, at 8/06/2004 9:42 AM
Cooking food, having it come out yucky tasting, then learning to do it differently doesn't have to be a negative emotional response. It's a trivial seeming distinction (you could say the food came out negative), but I think actually a very important one.
(Of course, what I think is important changes from week to week, so your mileage may vary:) )
Especially with learning something new. With singing, for instance, I'm definitely not ready to focus on what is "negative" and what is "good", it's just about a work in progress, with no subjective judgement (yet). When I try to do that, I find it supremely demotivating.
Almost anyone will give advice for something like writing, that at first you just have to write and suppress the critical part that wants to block things.
With socialization, does anyone really get any benefit from over-scrutinizing themselves that doesn't get offset by the additional feelings of failure and apprehension which get added? I actually doubt it, unless you're already secure enough to handle it. It's particularly tricky, because the fear and adrenaline, if present, actually severely hurt your social performance. (Since goal number one is to be relaxed and make the other person feel at ease.) This is in contrast to something like a sport where the feeling of being all wired up can help.
By
William P, at 8/06/2004 10:10 PM
Interesting. As you look to improve your singing you do have some evaluation of how your ability has improved though. Or are you saying to not attach a negative emotional response to it?
If you push yourself to excellence by setting yourself high standards you may do better than being impervious, or less sensitive to your progress. I think the analogy breaks down in social scenarios, because as you mentioned over-analysis can have a negative effect on performance.
Being impervious to peoples responses can make it more difficult to establish friendship as you ignore many of the subtle and not so subtle cues that are being sent to you. I tend not to get on well with extroverted people who ignore these cues, as it often coincides with a large ego in seeing the world as they want to see it, not as it is.
I find it difficult to find the balance in evaluating my performance. I know that it is a work in progress. As you grow older it becomes more difficult to adapt. So as I see it it's about creating the social opportunities by which I can adapt. I don't know I may over-evaluate at present, but increased exposure may improve my ability to evaluate. Some of the factors may be innate, but I think most of it is environmental/behavioural.
I hope this ramling, has not obscured any point I was trying to make ;-).
By
mongoose, at 8/07/2004 12:15 AM
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